Mystery Meat

Go on, admit it, I'm not the only waiting in anticipation of The Pickup Artist's season finale Monday nite - you know you are!

I don't know what rock they found him under in Canada, but some guy named Mystery ( oooh that's so mysterious, can I sleep with you?) contends to be a master pick up artist and together with his sidekicks try to teach a class of average shmo's - not joes - how to get it on with women.

For those of you who have not been paying attention the last few weeks here's the 411:

1. The Mystery

Some Canadian dude, (ey) who goes by the name Mystery (think Flavor of Love meets Tommy Lee meets The Red Barron) who is a self-proclaimed pick-up artist. Able to hump women in record time, bounce them from the grocery store checkout to the motel6 in under 20 minutes, he brings new meaning to Justin Timberlake's lyrics, "I'll have you naked by the end of this song."

2. The Sidekicks

Matador and J Dog are Mystery's celebrated proteges from years gone by. The three of them are pretty proud of themselves. There's enough ego hear to sink a ship.

3. The Students

What started out 8 scared male virgins has narrowed down to the final 2 in the ultimate face-off to find the NEXT master pickup artist. These guys are hilarious and the biggest group of cry babies this side of the pediatric ward. Sobbing and hand-holding at elimination ceremonies, these nerds have taken bonding to a new level. But good for them, nothing says sexy like a man who's not afraid to cry.

Joe D might in fact be the most lovable loser - a social misfit living in his parents basement who is refreshingly comfortable in his skin (he's not lean) and who against all odds made it down to the final 3. Then there was Pradeep - fun to say, but not so fun to listen to. An over-thinker who doesn't know when to shut up or recognize when a woman is blatantly blowing him off.

4. The Location

Austin, Texas seems to be the proud city hosting this reality show-tacular. Lucky women of Austin have had to deal with some pretty mad game.

5. The Lingo

Any good reality show knows that it has to give the pop-culture fanatics something to chew on - lingo, language, show-isms that will live on and roll off the tongues of fans long after the show has been cancelled. The pickup artist might actually have some of the most memorable lip smack you've ever heard. It is with laughter and astonishment that you listen to these Pickup Artists use their made-up terminology with such serious delivery. Prime example is when during a field test Mystery and Matador are watching a student's performance in a bar and Matador blurbs, "I can't believe him, that was the perfect time to kino escalate!" (LMAO) And since you're now asking yourself what the hell is that, we bring you the Pickup Artist Terms and Chatter:

Set - Group of People

IOI - Indicator of Interest

IOD - Indicator of Disinterest

Kino - Kinesthetic "touch"

Kino Escalate - Increased Kino

Neg - Playful teasing

Bounce - Immediate "Date" at another Location

Kiss Close - Kiss your Target

Number Close - Get the Digits of Your Target


5. The Lessons

These are some of the shortest classes I've ever attended - but I guess these geeks get the point. Standout lessons from Season 1 include: Listening to what a woman wants, How to pick up a moving target, How to pickup a stripper, a 411 on Ladies Lingerie, How to Kiss and of course, How to Spit Mad Game.

6. The Field Tests

After each love lesson the men are sent into the field to be tested on what they learned. The field tests are where we get to watch these guys crash and burn or score in an actual bar or social venue.

Highlight field tests included the Blindfolded kiss test where the students were judged on their kissing skills by Mystery's blindfolded friend, Tara. Then there was the lingerie shopping test where after viewing a lingerie fashion show starring Tara and another lady, the guys had to go shopping for them keeping in mind the things they said they liked or didn't like (otherwise known as the Listening test).

The moving target test caused them all to bite it as they attempted to pick up women moving, running and biking on the bridge in Austin against numerous obstacles. Surprisingly the guys as a unit had the most success in Expose, an Austin exotic dance club, where Brady even Bounced a dancer into the limo outside and totally "scored."

What is perhaps the most comical moments in these field tests is to hear each contestant spit the same pickup lines over and over and over. It's like once they marry themselves to a "shtick" they stick with it. Like Brady - whose signature pickup schpeal is "Can I ask you something - It's a very important question, very important - Do you floss BEFORE or AFTER you brush?" or Joe D - whose signature conversation starter goes, "Oh my god, did you see that fight outside? Yeah there were these two women going at it over some guy! You didnt see that?" (side note: Fake fights in Austin rose 90% for the duration of filming.)


7. The Medallions

At each elimination ceremony the geek squad is awarded medallions. On Flavor of Love the contestants get clocks, on the Bachelor they get a rose, on Survivor they get food other than a bug to eat. These Pickup Artist Medallions are color-coded and each color has a very meaningful symbol and of course, technical name which I cannot recall, nor will you.

8. The Final Showdown

The Pickup Artist season finale pits Brady versus Kosmo left to battle it out for the cash prize of $50,000 and the priceless award of traveling and continuing their mentorship with Mystery and his entourage. You'd think a lifetime supply of condoms would be a more appropriate prize given the context of the challenge. But the winner will have to cough up the cash for those himself.

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Learn how to pick up a moving target now:



-d4

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