Simon Scowl

201 Diva 1 in the house and wearing, you guessed it, Simon's Scowl (clever, right?). I'm always a little wary of "Country" night on America's favorite show, and tonight proved me right once again. Even Pickler could not find a shred of originality, despite what the judges thought.

Where to begin? How about with Kenny. His chicken franchises (which I thought were in bankruptcy) must be very lucrative because that was some excellent repair work he had done. He looks 30 years younger, and has none of that Sir-Tom-Jones-Evil-Chinese-Too-Tan-Overlord effect. But I hope I'm not the only one who had a hard time reconciling that face with the voice -- I mean, I grew up knowing that I had "to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, and know when to run" (away from the knife that is). Disappointing. I bet Kim Carnes wouldn't even recognize him, not that 1/2 of the people watching AI know who she is either.

Taylor. I love Taylor. But someone from Birmingham, Alabama, should know that John Denver, no matter how much we actually love him (his songs and his movies with George Burns, I know they are y'alls guilty pleasure too!), is a snoozer to open with. He was boring, and looked more like Kenny than faux Kenny did. Scary.

Mandisa. Although Shania is basically the country shaka khan, singing about girl power and short skirts (I'm not sure how the two equate, actually), I was again not impressed. Shania songs repeat the same 8 notes (i.e. one octave) in the only key Shania can sing in, and it was not something to showcase a voice like Mandisa's. Not to mention the vertigo that top was giving me. Even if it didn't suck me into the voting vortex. I love her, and I love her figure, but she needs to rely on the professional dresser. Boot cut jeans. For the love of god, I should not be able to tell you have on black boots with a weird tan top that my grandmother made for her couch (at least before it found its way to hollywood).

Elliot. Surprisingly, he makes my top three of the evening. While I would normally say "if tomorrow never comes" would be the appropriate time to sing either a Garth Brooks song or a Trisha Yearwood song, as they are COUNTRY ROYALTY and therefore equals of, and subject to, the WMI ban (no whitney, no mariah, no idol, repeat after me!) we had songs from both, and I thought Elliot rocked his. His was different than Garth's version, with a completely original ending. And he took Kenny to heart, and sang a simpler (and therefore more country) version of himself. Loved.

Paris. I could certainly live without that song. I could also leave without her, which is what I thought she was saying due to poor enunciation. It was a complete ape of the Trisha Y version, right to the very end. Oddly, I thought of it as Dionne Warwick, doing Trisha Yearwood (at least Simon got it 1/2 right). Not to mention its the love song from Con Air. 'Nuff said.

Ace. Also in my top three. I normally hate his song choice, and his serial killer stare, but both were missing tonight (along with his cheesy scar). In the immortal words of Paula, it was happiness, sunshine, and I felt he had "connected" with the song -- in fact, he had me right until the falsetto. I don't get it as a "signature" and am pretty sure that Michael Jackson made it creepy for all who follow. Am I wrong?

Pickler. I am so pleased to know that the Pickler I saw blatantly copying Reba McEntire's Fancy, right down to Reba's signature pronunciation and funny accent, was in fact "the real Pickler." Perhaps they just didn't teach her about plagiarism (or the vocal equivalent) in the backwoods school she claims to have attended. And would someone please teach her another move other than lunging for the camera with one hand? In 90 seconds, she made that move THREE times. Once per 30 seconds if you're counting (and apparently I was, I was THAT bored). Although the arrangement and cut for the word choice was fancy indeed. I'll give her that much.

P.S. If Garth and Trisha are the Charles and Diana of country, Reba is Queen Elizabeth. Therefore, also subject to the WMI rule.

McHottie. He was my runner up for the evening's top three. I really liked the softer side, but again (in a Paula-esque way), he wasn't selling the song to me. You could tell he was really just doing it b/c he had too. In fact, I would have chosen something more rockabilly, like "Guilty" by the Warren Twins (find it online, its catchy) or even something from Brooks and Dunn (breaking my own country royalty rule, I know, but he's worth it).

McPheever. This was the only country song I had never heard before. And hope to never hear again. Better outfit than last week, but boring boring boring.

Finally, Bucky. He rounds out my top three. I know we all expected him to do good, but I was surprised by the softer song choice (I love this song!) and impressed that he took to heart the need to make us UNDERSTAND HIM. Say what you want about Bucky, the boy knows how to work the camera as well -- did you see that sideways glance at the end? He was comfortable on stage, polished and memorable.

All of the above aside, I am DESPERATE FOR A BETTER THEME. What's next? Reggae from the 20th Century? Sex Pistols night? Bands that start with the letter B? (Even that would be better because the Beatles would be in there). And do I really need to see faux Kenny sing tomorrow? No.

Diva 1 out (for now... clearly I needed a rant).